AND I wrote it out waiting between lectures!!
It hopped along by me all the way home adding bits and peices too!!!
About 2 pages of it and an odd piece I'm sure.
Behind the cut if you wish to read. Any comments on it would be lovely to read because I've never had feedback or anything on my real writings.
A/N: A little original fiction piece of mine - copyright to me and so no reposting or archiving - but linking to this is okay if you for some reason want to.
Secretly I stare; eyes vigilant in case of any changes
Watching her, drinking in all she is
Wanting a control I don't have
A will burning me away, with no resolve
A desire that has no reality, only a reason
Studying her ways
Because I think, I hope;
One day I could be her
But it's never today
Julia was perfect.
The first time I met her she had golden curls and cherry red lips, sucking on a lollipop innocently.
The picture of an LA angel – divine to me, a foreign girl, all alone in a big city.
She was a person nobody could deny; you either wanted to be her or be with her. Any time she bestowed on you was practically a privilege because she could do whatever she wanted, just as easily brush you off for someone else, for any one of her numerous acquaintances. But she didn't
I quickly learnt she was a fashion aficionado, outfits changing as often as her moods. Always pristine, only dirty if she meant to be.
Everything in it's place and a true chameleon.
She flicked her long straight brunette locks out of her face as she sat down opposite me.
I sipped my tea serenely, waiting for her to begin. My life wasn't very interesting, even here in a city so wide I could barely comprehend it, but Julia did enough for both of us.
As she chattered I watched her, noting the corners of Vogue sticking out of her battered leather satchel- another one of her adoptions. That was one of the goods things about who she was, she pulled each style off with ease.
She made you believe she'd had that bag for years as she carried it around with care – like it had some great sentimental value – and I nearly fell for it. Would have too if I hadn't seen her yank it off a shelf in a poky retro shop and unceremoniously plonk down the bucks for the whole pile of stuff she'd picked out, with the bags strap peeping out shyly as if overwhelmed by her designs on it.
Julia did things all out, with enthusiasm whilst retaining a grace rather than being clumsy and over excitable. She was the beautiful professional 20 something, carefree and dressed smart casual, doing lunch with a friend - nothing to interfere, no serious career but an expendable income, decent boyfriend, no kids. If it was fashionable then I'd probably be sitting by a different Julia, a bohemian scarf tied round her blossoming belly.
But Julia didn't get what she wanted; she never even asked for it, if she ever knew what it was.
She'd ask for a lot from a friend but she gave back just as much if not more, and she had friends by the dozen, more dates then she'd ever fit in her busy schedule – but being Julia she'd try anyway.
And those moods – not mood swings as you might think I meant.
No, Julia was perfectly timed. In balance in every way, what she'd say and the tone she used would always fit with the expectations of those around her. Things could be bad and she'd be perky and optimistic as she was prone to be but when they got worse it would falter just a little. Like maybe she could break.
No one believed she could though. It was an unspoken rule that Julia is as she is and always so.
For all the changes she undergoes between our meetings there's still something there indisputably Julia. Deep down you can tell nothing really changes – Julia is always the perfect. Just as fair as you'd want a friend and yet never hesitant to correct you when you need it. The equilibrium found by her in all the matters you could imagine.
You'd think she'd be conservative and plain from that description, middle American girl next door, but she could never be that because she's not – there's this flame she has that draws people to her. It's not tangible but it's there and it stops her from being another nobody, from being another preppy starlet who we couldn't care less about.
Which draws me back to that aspect we can all see.
Everyone knows it's what makes her Julia, a fundamental of her spirit but no one looks behind. Instead taking her at face value, a pretty little thing who's generous to a fault and made to be something great.
I stuck around Julia, she let me get to know her, because I was lost and that struck a chord in her, best I can guess. You never know with her.
I think maybe I've caught a glimpse of who she is on occasion; the essence that drives the facade to be.
If you know the right questions to ask, to catch her off guard, then you might be able to see what I mean.
Even though she replies amicably today, just like every other time, reassuring me; I know it's the easy answer that I'm meant to buy into. And that there's the hard to stomach truth; what she doesn't say, what she never could. Because things like that don't pass her lips. It would undermine her very being and betray what she strives so hard to be.
Julia smiles at me, lighting up the area with her toothy grin, also flashing it seductively at a passing waiter. She's such a flirt, unable to resist these displays. They're how she wins us over to adoring her, until we need her to feel good because she seems like everything good in the world. Her presence is a drug they slave for, and hard to kick, but not impossible I remind myself.
And I smile back inadequately, thinking it's sad that someone who inspires life, is the epitome of flair and all I once wished I was, could be so dead inside. Her eyes trick you into believing it's all right but she gives away herself to them all to be what she feels she must present to the world – each time a little less is left there. Her passion undeniable but her soul torn asunder, ripped at the seams as she battles internally for a strange peace.
It's a twisted world that she'll keep on destroying herself rather than ask for help, rather than change any thing. But it's her twisted world, that she clings to; no room for admittance because it would cost too much, shatter all she has.
All we have is that understanding between us, something left unsaid but always there, as I intend to be. Friends come and go, especially in her world but she's not only my friend. She's a dream I met in reality, a once in a lifetime occurrence I guess.
I no longer want to be her and fortunately I don't have to be. I can leave and never have to deal with that kind of desperation, go back to being an oh so average person who does okay in life. But if I do I'll bring Julia with me, an escape for a time, of not having to try quite as hard.
Only Julia never lets go.
I get up and she follows my lead; we're going to see a film. It got rave reviews, is a must see.
I wonder idly if she says the last part confidently simply out of a trust for the critics in all the papers she somehow finds the time to read, or if it might be that she knows, has seen it five times before already.
Julia doesn't let people down; nobody who matters at least.
Julia is in many ways who I might want to be, but thinking about that this came out as why what we wish for isn't always what we think it should be - be careful what you wish for almost? - I guess in that sense both characters are odd Mary Sues but I don't care, I just had to write it for some reason.