Summary: Helen POV on how her life has changed.
Spoilers: Up to Episode 2x02.
A\N: Betaread by fififolle and doylefan22. Written for rodlox
The heat blasts her face as she clambers out of the nook in the cliff face. Time to move on, there's nothing left for her to do here. You can never stay too long. You're always on the run from some thing or, occasionally, something else.
The landscape is smooth rock, undulating across the horizon, barren like a wasteland on first appearance yet teeming with life if you know where, and when, to look. The sun's warmth sneaks into her as she walks - a dull heat forming in the sheathed knife resting against her thigh and a languid dryness to the cloth chafing her skin as she moves quickly across the desert. The all important sun envelopes her, as it were – trapped by it, her own power subsumed. She's at the mercy of the environment, each step endangers her being and this is where she is glad for Nick's love.
It was never enduring, at least not in a way that mattered to her, and she hardly cares about that point now. No, she's thankful for it leading her here, giving her all she needs to survive. The knowledge of books and stamp of approval is nothing special compared to discovery - Nick couldn't see that but he highlighted for her what not to be limited or controlled by. Here it's her wits, combined with the hunting knife she claimed as hers when she left, that save her. Odd to think so little keeps her alive compared to modern day with all the things we need.
The price to pay to be here is high, and continues to be so – the deprivation of so many things she's taken for granted – but it is worth it and more. Helen doesn't believe in saving up good behaviour for later - there's no reward coming, though she admits patience can sometimes reap its benefits. However, in her experience, there's no point waiting - you live now and might as well go for what you want before it's gone.
A pterosaur's nest rests atop a small mound just half a mile away, she estimates. A quick flash of a grin settles in before she is off and away, not running but chasing for a change. For all she has weaned herself off there is an insurmountable joy to replace it, here she is in the past. There's no greater feeling than knowing that she found this by herself and continues to be here despite all the order dictating it not possible.
Overall, Helen has always expected everything would balance out and, not that she sees it that way any more – she's more realistic these days, it pays to be practical instead of optimistic – but perhaps it has. Everything she had – the intense love followed by the misery of domesticity and the revenge that turned out to be more, that turned out to never be revenge until quite recently – was only made meaningful afterwards, with a hue that proves the highs and lows, a melody to their lives that she keeps stumbling over. Inadvertently adding to it. The song may be painful and haunting, filled with drama and terror to make hearts race, but it's been awe-inspiring and mesmerising too, a beauty to match the anomalies that created it.