Summary: John and Cameron character exploration/angst ficlet.
Spoilers: S1 generally.
A\N: For debc as part of fandom_stocking 2008.
Sometimes he wants answers, even though it's obvious what must happen. He'll almost get his mouth around the word, ready to form it, voice on the edge of realization, when he comes to his senses.
John Connor, Saviour of the future – that has to mean the world is still doomed. “Cameron” is still another one of the enemies out there, just not today. That much will never change. There's nothing normal round the corner, no magic revelation that will make him feel better – it's his destiny to take the pain, to bear the burden, to swallow down when he feels the suffocating pressure of it all.
He watches her when he thinks she's not looking and most likely she can tell he's doing it anyway. Studying her, because he needs to know everything he can, to know her, to understand them.
Sometimes he wishes he were like Cameron. Pure in her mission. To have an objective to complete, done with alarming coldness and no second guessing about the cost. In her case she has no choice for dispassion because there was no feeling in the first place, but he wonders if that's how he'll end up. Is his grand strategy fighting fire with fire, making humans more like the metal because they can't afford to be flawed? Will humanity lose either way?
Sometimes he wants answers, but he never actually asks, because, even if she would deem it useful, there's that fear inside him. This time round he takes the nightmares, full of unsubstantiated fears, instead. He wakes from sleep in a cold sweat often enough, never able to break out of the cycle, but it's better than the cold dread of absolute truth told.