Copyright 2005 H. L. Gordon-Smith
Title: Playing At It
Notes: Not betaread so probably got typos and odd bits because not one else has yet read. If you feel a part is odd or see mistakes then please point them out. This is just an as usual odd thing that's swam around my mind for the past 2 months. I finally felt it was sort of finished, though it didn't turn out the way I wanted. Wasn't sure if it should be more amibigious in the ending. Tell me how you feel if you can be bothered to read it.
She used to be afraid of betrayal, and maybe that was why she shied away from doing anything that seemed even slightly like it could be used that way. Squeamish of the idea despite that she'd never have put it into practice.
And she used to be polite too, scared to make a fuss; not wanting any attention incase she was judged by others. Because she knows people do and knowing that she didn't care to bring it upon herself. Rather registering as a near non-entity than forsaking that for recognition of any kind, incase she failed.
There was so much she feared in life. Not the usual might get hit by a bus but things of reality, that could happen every day. And every minute of every day was spent avoiding these pitfalls, carefully constructing an alternate course through life that meant she didn't have to deal with anything such, because those things never happened to her, nothing did.
She never thought she could kiss someone and not have it mean anything – to simply enjoy the pressure of lips against hers. But she finds that she can now and it's her lips against the others. It's her there in plain view, for the world to see, but they don't see her because now she carefully constructs who she is.
They all see that person and judge that person, perhaps find them failing but she won't care. She plays her game as she intends to and enjoys the conceptions pushed upon her character – she can laugh at the failures and the quirks in a way she could not of herself.
Sometimes she finds that she speaks as she always wanted to or uses a particular turn of hand that only she does and she's more herself than she ever intended but what's important is they do not know what is her and what is not, and so she can be whatever is required of her, without any fear of judgement.
So she presses her lips back against the strangers and lets the moment override all her doubts. She used to think it had to have meaning but it certainly doesn't hold any significance to him and she no longer lets misconceptions get in the way of her actions. Now it seems to her that she was foolish to care and the tables are turned; she makes fools of everyone in a way because they really can't tell what she means or if she cares about anything truly. But she smiles at that, because it's the design of her occupation and no one complains if she's too good at her job and they'll never know if it spills over into her real life. For her acting isn't just a day job, it's who she is and finally she's figured that out; she doesn't apologise for that anymore, she just grabs on tight and enjoys the fast track through a life that once plagued her.