Spoilers: Can't think of any...
Summary: It's Mc(Kay/)Shep, but not as you know it. ;) Obviously slash but with some unexpected and unrequited ship mixed in.
A/N: Betaread by Fanwoman, Ellex and LittleKnux. Written specially for Furlings are cats. Hope you like it, Kip.
Sometimes, I forget myself. I find myself watching them, noticing the things they do, things I shouldn't care about. It's not exactly a secret, but not a lot of people know. It seems so natural, for them to spend so much time together. They're on the same team, they're friends, it doesn't seem so out of place, really. There just happens to be more to it. Of course, I know; they told me. It was quite a shock, I can tell you. I didn't know what to say at first, and I caught that hurt look on his face. I hope neither of them saw just how much of a shock it was. After all, I'm meant to be impartial, and I'm also their friend.
There is no logical reason for it to be a problem for me, ignoring any issue I might have with the “don't ask, don't tell” policy. Not that I adhere to that. Rodney is a scientist, a civilian. The team issue complicates it somewhat, but I can't forbid them to see one another. I know they would if I asked it of them, my loyal boys. There are many rules I lay down that they are willing to break, but I get the feeling that isn't one of them. Whatever I’d say on the issue was what they'd take to heart. So naturally, I smiled supportingly, and said I understood. My only warning was to keep it low-key.
Then they left, with a slight brushing of fingers as they walked side by side to the door, before one went through. He, however, looked back at me – a last lingering look. He wanted to know that I really was okay with it, and I smiled again, extra brightly.
“I knew you'd be fine with it, Elizabeth.”
He grinned so wide I thought he might be on drugs, and in a way, maybe that’s what it was. Love's a pretty strong drug. It affects your brain chemistry, supposedly, for better or worse. Right then, I wasn't so thrilled about that. Sure, it was great they were so happy. Happy employees are better employees, and happy friends are... in this case, sickening. If you hadn't known the truth, it was probably perfectly normal, which rubbed it in further. I should have been happy. Or I at least shouldn't have cared so much. But I did, still do. It eats away at me, to the point where I'm wishing I could avoid them both, but sine they're members of the main Atlantis team, that isn't going to happen anytime soon.
So I find myself taking what I can get, the time I can manage with him alone. That's pretty hard to come by. More often than not, I schedule something with one of them and the other turns up in his place. It's getting unpredictable. Sometimes I don't get either of them, but Zelenka, instead. That means it’s either something that can only be covered by the science department, or that both of them are unavailable, and I don't like to think why. Radek's probably confused as to why I'm never happy to see him these days. It's because I associate seeing him with them being too involved in each other to see that I'm not okay with it; not really.
Occasionally, he manages to fit me in, and I get time alone with him. I feel guilty for hogging him this way, when I know he's already taken, when I'm not even the right gender to be someone he might take out. But it's probably not even that. He only has eyes for one man, eyes that skim right over me to get to their intended. I've taken to not looking at him during meetings, because I know, more often than not, he won't be looking back at me even if he is paying attention to what I say. I don't even get the pleasure of the common occurrences I once thrived on, those everyday touches of our friendship. I knew it wasn't more, but I felt his gaze upon me as I spoke, and that gave me hope. I don't have that anymore; I don't have him, in any sense of the word. They're my friends, but I can't look either one in the eye most days. Primarily, it’s because I want to be with him; I can’t hide the envy I feel, but I don't want either to see that from me. Secondly, it’s because I care too much. I'm looking for more when I look at him, and I know it will never be there. It was never there before, but now I see what I'm missing.
And I notice those moments, the slight movements towards each other, the closeness beyond what either would allow anyone else. I look away and pretend I don't see. Above all, I remind myself of who I am. I'm Dr Weir, leader of the expedition. It's in my job description to be calm, level-headed, and to not discriminate. I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be unbiased, too, and I try to forget I care, because I know I shouldn't. I can care, in the most general sense, but I shouldn't care this much. I may have lost him, but I can't afford to lose myself.