Spoilers: S9 up to Avalon and Origin
Summary: She likes to thinks she copes with the hardships of her life well, but in reality she doesn't deal at all.
A/N: Betaread by Fanwoman.
Its not everyday you die and live to tell the tale. Not that anyone will listen to it, that's all they think she has - tales, lies, like she's constantly spinning a web of them. Really, she's just more economical with the representation of truth, and the rest of the time she's very honest – too honest for Earthlings it seems.
She's been through a lot in her short life, and she's devised a way to deal with it. Every now and again, she draws and writes down what has happened – as if in a diary. With one difference, she burns them. Cleanses herself of bad memories that way. Tries to forget.
Today she was burnt away, herself. Some part of her wishes this means she can start anew, but she realises now it's not that simple. You don't just forget because you want to. You can't unless you really try, and it's so hard to try to be someone other than who she has been for all these years.
The lies mix with truths, and all that which she considers her vitality is built upon a false enthusiasm for life, a life that is constantly cruel and hard, making her the same, – forcing her to be who she is. She can't be different than this, but she wishes. She writes that on Earth 'paper' with the primitive pen, and then she burns it all away. She can't bear wishing for something that's impossible, so she lies to herself and pretends she is fine as she is.
This is the way her life is; it's better she get used it. Ironically, and contrary to everyone's thoughts of her, things rarely go the way she'd like. She just covers up well, spins a web so fine no one can see through it. She almost fools herself, most of the time. She smiles as the paper burns, a false smile to go with the forced acceptance of giving up her dream, a futile dream. She carries the smile, watching the idea go up in flames – only faltering at the sound of the fire alarms. Oops. Still, it's not like they expect any better from her.